Weddings by Dan          Rev. F Daniel Latour

FIRST, it is always pronounced fee-ahnse-say. The masculine is spelled fiance (one e) and the feminine with two e's, but they are pronounced the same.

 SET THE TONE.  The Bride meets with her parents to begin discussions on how she envisions her wedding and what she and her parents can afford.  Once the vision and the costs are discussed, decide the tone of the wedding, which will influence all other plans. The final look is primarily the preference of the Bride and her family, although the wishes of the groom must also be considered. It must be decided if this will be a simple Civil or Spiritual ceremony, what type of location, what type of service. Then decide if it will be formal, semi-formal or informal.  A formal wedding with full bridal dress and tuxedos usually follows a formal engagement with all the parties and trimmings.  A semi-formal wedding follows a smaller engagement party with a limited number of wedding guests and suits but no tuxedos. An informal wedding is usually a small, private affair where the couple wears anything from a suit or dress clothes down to jeans, riding or scuba gear, and all arrangements are like one big party.  The couple, usually with their mothers, discuss engagement and wedding plans. The Bride must be present, the groom if desired. Offers of financial aid should be made at this time.

WHO PAYS FOR WHAT? The groom usually pays the minister's fee. It represents the first financial obligation of the marriage. In older traditions, the bride's family paid for everything since the groom would have the responsibility for all his bride's expenses for the rest of her life. More recently the groom or his family assumed responsibility for the rings, marriage license, boutonnieres, bride's bouquet, accommodations for out-of-town guests, alcohol for the reception, rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. Since about 1980 it has been customary for these expenses to be discussed between the two families and agreed upon beforehand.

THE BRIDAL GOWN...

according to rules of etiquette, has certain guidelines. For a formal wedding, a full wedding gown is preferred. The length of the train is determined by the formality and location of the wedding. A Cathedral train trails from two to twenty feet and is appropriate in cathedrals, large churches and facilities with a long processional aisle and a large guest list.  A Chapel train, which trails around two feet, is appropriate for formal or semi-formal weddings where the processional aisle can be any size. A Sweeping train, from six inches to eighteen inches, can be chosen for any formal or semi-formal wedding with a decent processional aisle. If the dress chosen has a sweep or chapel length train and the wedding is formal, a coordinating veil which trails longer than the dress can be used to give it the cathedral length effect. Semi-formal daytime and evening gowns are usually floor length with or without a sweep, and if a veil is worn it is usually short. When the ceremony is outdoors and the bride will walk on raw ground, a train may not follow smooth without special preparations.

THE GROOM'S ATTIRE is determined by the gown his bride chooses. Very formal daytime is black or gray cutaway coat, gray waistcoat, winged-collar shirt, ascot or striped tie. Very formal evening is white tie, black tail coat, white waistcoat, winged-collar shirt. Formal and semi-formal daytime is black or charcoal sack coat with waistcoat, turned-down collar dress shirt, black, gray or striped tie. Formal and semi-formal evening is black tuxedo, white shirt with turned-down collar, black vest or cummerbund, black bow tie. In summer a white dinner jacket and cummerbund is an option. For informal weddings a dark blue or dark gray suit with white shirt is preferred.

ENGAGEMENT announcements are rarely sent nowadays unless the family is very prominent or there will be a large event planned around the occasion.  Every one invited to an engagement party is to be invited to the wedding and reception. If the couple has been living together it is preferable that they sponsor their own party for close friends and family only, or that the best-man-to-be or maid-of-honor-to-be host. An engagement party should be held at least three (3) months before the wedding.

The standard for selecting ATTENDANTS is one or two groomsmen for every forty or more guests. The Maid/Matron of Honor, usually a sister or most intimate friend, assists the Bride in choosing dresses, confirms delivery of dresses, helps with organizational details if asked, helps address invitations, make favors, hosts a shower, spreads the word if the couple selects a gift registry, helps the Bride get dressed, and holds her bouquet when necessary during the ceremony. The Best Man hosts the bachelor party, makes sure the groom has not forgotten anything, supervises other groomsmen and ushers, holds the ring(s) during the ceremony, signs the wedding certificate as a legal witness (must be age 18 or over), presents payments to vendors the day of the wedding, offers the first toast at the reception, handles the return of any rented clothing, and if needed transports the couple to the next destination after the wedding and reception.

ANNOUNCEMENTS & INVITATIONS. Order 10 to 20 more invitations and announcements than you plan on using. Extras are always needed and some may ask for another as a keepsake or to send to some one else. At a formal or spiritual wedding, it is proper to 'request the honour of your presence'.  At semi-formal and casual weddings, the wording should be 'request the pleasure of your company'. If you will allow specific guests to bring an escort or children, be sure to include 'and Guest' when addressing envelopes. Engagement party announcements should be mailed about 3 weeks before the party, wedding invitations 4 to 5 weeks before the wedding, and reception-only invitations about 3 weeks before the event. It is courteous and a good reminder to send wedding invitations to every one in and working for the wedding, including the minister and the facility. If announcements are mailed informing others that you have married, have them ready for mailing 2 days after the wedding.
    

GIFTS to servers should be meaningful but not overly expensive. Common gifts include bracelets, necklaces, earrings, stick pins, picture frames, perfume bottles, hair ornaments, leather wallets, tie clasps, bookends and travel clocks.

WEDDING GIFTS from others are to be given BEFORE the wedding day. It is not proper to bring a wedding gift to a wedding or reception, therefore no table should be set up to place gifts on. If gifts are offered at the wedding or reception, have some one accept them gracefully and put them in a safe place out of sight.

THE RECEPTION RECEIVING LINE is usually an ordered process. The line should be inside the facility but placed so that guests are not waiting outside to be received. The modern order for the line is Host(s), Bride's Mother and Father, Bride, Groom, Groom's Mother and Father, Matron and Maid of Honor, then Bridesmaids. The Best Man and Groomsmen are not in the receiving line, however the Best Man should be close by in case any one in the line needs assistance. The line should break up as soon as all guests have entered.

RECEPTION TIMING. There are always a number of persons who would prefer not to stay very long at the reception for various reasons. After 15 minutes or so of breaking from the line, the traditions of taking photographs, cutting the cake, making toasts and having a first dance should be done. From there, the partying may continue until the designated time with every one being comfortable at being able to depart when appropriate. 

SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY.  Especially the Bride should reserve some time to spend final quality time with her immediate family. There are probably a few things that need to be said and good quality time will be in short supply as time draws near the wedding.